That Than Which Nothing Greater Can Be Conceived: The Philosophy of Food, Issue #030: Inventing the Universe

The Carl Sagan quote "If you want to bake an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe" has gained relatively widespread recognition thanks to Melodysheep's Glorious Dawn video on YouTube. Once one actually attempts to make an apple pie from scratch, for the first time, without any real instruction on pie baking technique, this quote takes on new meaning. The crust in particular relies on prior experience to get right: from recognizing how much is enough water in the dough to how to roll the dough into the right size and shape without screwing up.

Anyhow, I baked a pie. The recipe for the crust came from Betty Crocker's Cookbook: New and Revised Edition. Racine, Washington: Western Publishing Company, Inc. (1981). Page 289. The recipe for the filling came from McCall's Cooking School Step-by-Step Directions for Mistake-Proof Recipes. Columbus, OH: McCall Publishing Company (1983). Pies, Pastry 16. Check it out.

The Ingredients
The Crust (for a 8 to 9 inch two-crust pie)
-2/3 cup and 2 Tbs. shortening
-2 cups flour
-1 tsp. salt
-4 to 5 Tbs. cold water

The Filling
-1 cup sugar
-2 Tbs. flour
-1 tsp. cinnamon
-1/2 tsp. nutmeg
-1/4 tsp salt
-7 cups thinly sliced, pared tart cooking apples (2.5 lbs-ish)
-2 Tbs. lemon juice
-2 Tbs. butter

Half the apples from a five pound bag. . . I didn't actually measure out seven cups. Probably had a little bit more.

I'm going to be honest, I originally cut the apples too thick. My mother, thankfully, noticed and cut them thinner for me while I continued to work on the pie.

The Process
To make the crust, mix together the flour and salt, then cut the shortening into it. Add the water gradually, about 1 Tbs. at a time, tossing with a fork to spread around the moisture. The recipe says to add up to 2 more Tbs. of water if needed, but I found that wasn't enough. You should keep adding Tbs. of water until all of the dough is moist and very little loose flour sticks to the side of the bowl.

See the flour residue in the bowl? That's about the point where there's enough water.

Pretty neat mat, huh? It should prove useful. . .

That is, if I could make the silly thing actually round. . .

Close enough.

Separate the dough into two equal sized balls and roll them out on a floured surface. My folks had a special vinyl mat with concentric circles for measuring crust size, which helped a bit. Keep a careful eye on how the dough is rolling out, as I hear it is very difficult to re-roll. You can use trimmings to 'patch' or add new material to sides of the crust that aren't big enough. Fold the bottom crust in half, place it over the middle of your pie pan, fold it out, and gently press it into place. Refrigerate it. Fold the top crust into quarters, cut steam slits in it, and set it aside (also refrigerated).

Sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg. . . basically everything good in the world.

This reminds me of Hebrew school for some reason. . . I remember honey and apples being a thing.

For the filling, mix the sugar, flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt in a small bowl and set it aside. In a large bowl, add the lemon juice to your apple slices and toss to soak all the apples in the juice. Add the sugar mixture and continue to toss, coating all the apples.

Just about full enough. . .

"What whiskey or butter cannot cure, cannot be cured." ~Old Irish Proverb. At least according to a pretty excellent pub back in Indiana.

All sealed up and ready to go. She looks a bit less pretty than the pictures in the cookbook, but she's space worthy captain.

And into the crucible it goes.

Add the filling to the pie pan, then trim the bottom crust so it just sticks a little over the sides of the pie pan. You may have extra apples, in which case eat them as they are. They are delicious. Place slices of butter on top of the filling, then place the top crust over the pan and unfold it. Trim the top crust so it doesn't overlap more than an inch or so over the edge of the pan. Wet the edge of the bottom crust and fold the edge of the top crust over it to create a seal. I found just wetting my fingers in a cup of cold water sufficient for this. Bake for 50 minutes at 425 F. Enjoy.

The Results
The pie was pretty fantastic. As I mentioned, jumping headfirst into being the party of main responsibility for baking a pie from scratch with absolutely no pie-baking experience under your belt is a bit overwhelming. Thankfully I had my mom and stepfather to help and advise me along the way. The slits I cut for the steam weren't quite deep enough, but the pie did not explode and I do not think the ballooning of the crust negatively affected the end product. Using green apples (and eyeballing the lemon juice rather than measuring it) resulted in an especially sweet and tart pie. Also, a special shout out to my mom and stepdad who just celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary.